By Brittany Kitchen

It’s that time of year again… Fashion Week San Diego!

With New York Fashion week having come and gone, cities across the US will be hosting their own version of the iconic event. Fashion Week San Diego has been celebrating local San Diego designers by showcasing collections ranging from ready to wear and jewelry to sportswear, with the best events yet to come this weekend. Check out The GOODS Magazine for full coverage on this week’s fashion events.

Because this week gives us ladies the shopping bug almost as bad Nordstrom’s annual sales, we decided to get a few fashion tips to take with you on your weekend shopping adventure. Now this advice is not from the traditional fashionistas or designers. We decided to branch out and get a MAN’S perspective on the crazy things we wear. Being in a “safe” place and without the consequence of sleeping on the couch or not getting the cookie, these gents’ were more than happy to dish out their real opinions.

The Gentlemen: In order to protect our sources from the dire consequences of pissing a woman off, we are going to refer to them only by their first names: Bradley, Matt, Sal, and Jeff. Let the questions begin.

I wish ______ would die and never come back in style because…

Bradley: I wish neon clothing and accessories would die and never come back in style because most of the people who wear them weren’t even alive when neon was actually considered “fashionable.”

Matt: I wish monokinis would die and never come back in style. They make girls bodies look disproportionate and are almost a guaranteed camel toe at some point of the day… It’s a great way to ruin a good pool party photo, if that’s what you’re into.

Sal: I wish enormous glasses would die and never come back in style because chances are you’re not famous and/or not covering up a black eye. If I don’t know you, I’m thinking you think you’re much more important than you are. When those glasses go on a women face it’s like they just got a text message from Hollywood saying “hey gorgeous, you are now allowed to act like an obnoxious bitch.” I would also appreciate it if women would keep the accessories to a minimum. The Indian influenced chain headpieces are cool, but not cool enough to rock every day. They’re definitely over played.

Jeff: I wish the saying “sorry not sorry” would die and never come back in style because its friggin obnoxious. I also would hope girls wearing heels that are way too high that they cannot walk straight would die and never come back, because you girls look like an 80 year old with a hunch back, and that’s just sad, and no man wants to take that home.

I think it’s sexy when women wear…

Bradley: I think it’s sexy when women wear boots. The longer, the better. Thigh-highs are one of my personal favorites, but it takes a certain physique and, more importantly, sophistication and attitude to be able to pull it off well.

Matt: BOOTS… I love the fall fashion with high leather boots and multiple layers.

Sal: I think it is sexy when a woman wears a long sheer dress with minimal accessories. Something classic. I really dig simplicity.

Jeff: I think it is sexy when women wear shirt/tops that reveal the side boob and/or midriff. Teasingly, not trashy and fully revealing

It looks like a woman is trying too hard when…

Bradley: It looks like you are trying too hard when your tits (usually fake) are either lifted to the point of being able to rest your chin on them or your shirt/dress is so revealing I can see areola(s). I’m ecstatic you spent more than most Americans do on a small compact car to fill your chest with silicone, but leave a little for Mr. Right’s imagination when he takes you home from the bar.

Matt: It looks like you are trying too hard when you try to go out for the night looking like Ke$ha. You’re not famous, interesting, or important, therefore you cannot pull off the “I do what I want, when I want” look. Loose the stripper glitter and don’t brush your teeth with a bottle of jack, cuz that shit ain’t attractive when you’re doing the walk of shame holding your heels the next morning with eye makeup and glitter melted down your face.

Sal: It looks like you are trying too hard when I’m wearing polarized glasses and your face is glowing like a Chernobyl reactor (Too much makeup). Ridiculous heels are also a problem. I know you’re not taller than me, and I don’t want you to be. Your ass will still look good if you cut those things in half. Besides when we’re heading back to my place I don’t want to have to carry you.

Jeff: It looks like you are trying too hard when you show too much skin, or wear too much jewelry on the arms. Bracelets are an accessory, not a musical instrument.

Anything you want to get out of your system when it comes to what women wear? The good, the bad, the ugly? 

Bradley: There’s honestly too much I’d like to “get out of my system” when it comes to what women wear, so I’ll keep this simple: men would fuck a female in sweat pants and a pancho, so this whole “fashion” bit is really nothing more than women attempting to outdo one another… a competition if you will. My advice? Stop trying so hard; it really isn’t necessary. When it comes to fashion, less is more; but if you’re attempting to compensate for a lack of personality, then by all means, pile that shit on… or take it off. Whatever works.

Matt: Good…accessories. Sunglasses, chains, watches, bangles and bracelets. They can easily take a simple outfit and make it unique. Note: Don’t put on every piece of jewelry you own, you’re not Mr T.

Bad…watch the makeup ladies! I get it, we all want to look our best, but there’s something to be said about simply accentuating your natural beauty. Keep makeup thin and for God sake go to the makeup counter and get some products that match your skin color. Don’t cake on the makeup; the last thing any guy wants is a pillowcase replica of your face to remember you by.

Ugly…being slutty is NEVER attractive and will NEVER get you the type of attention you’re looking for. Leave something to the imagination, and it leaves something to be desired. If every guy at the club has seen your ass because your dress is too short or everyone can basically see what you look like topless because your shirt is too revealing, then there’s little hope of meeting any respectable guy. The only guys eyeing you will be someone who wants to take you home and treat you like a two dollar hooker, because that what you’re projecting to the world.

Sal: Again, I’m into classic simplicity. There’s a reason certain styles transcend time, they look great. Here’s an idea. When you’re going through your closet trying to decide what to wear out that night, think, “what will still look good in 20 or 30 years?” I bet your answer wont be sunglasses that have “FK ME” printed across the lenses.

Jeff: I’ll pass on this. There is just too much.

Alright, enough with the open-ended questions, time to get specific. This next set of questions will be commenting on summer fashion trends because here in San Diego, the fall fashions can’t come out of the closet until it gets in the oh so chilly 65 degree range. (Yes, we are spoiled)

What are your thoughts on the floral pant trend?

Bradley: Floral pants? Not hot. They immediately make me think of my grandmother’s wallpaper. I don’t care how phenomenal your ass looks in them.

Matt: Ugly as sin… It looks like you took the upholstery off of a Salvation Army couch, or your grandmother’s drapes.

Sal: These are something I could see my post menopausal mother wearing. Not really appropriate for fertile women.

Jeff: Hot Moms, and married women only. This just screams maternity leave, which I, as a single guy, find quite scary.

How do you feel about high waist shorts? The “vintage” denim look and the “hot pants” look?

Bradley: The “vintage” look? I dig this… immensely. It takes me back to the days of watching The Dukes of Hazzard; more specifically, Daisy’s ass. If you’ve got an ass, this makes it look that much better, and even if you don’t, it doesn’t appear as though you give a fuck about fashion. Which, in turn, is hot. I like to call it “casual sexy.”

Hot pants? These look like Depends, which you may very well be wearing 50 years from now anyway, so why the rush? Unless, of course, you can actually piss yourself in these whilst out and about, which I would deem functionality at its finest. If that’s the case, can you tell me where to find a pair of my own?

Matt: I love vintage. Old style is classic, and can be incorporated into your modern look too. Keep it classy San Diego.

Hot pants make girls bodies look un-proportionate and the complimentary wedgie they provide makes the look all bad. Wear shorts, or a pencil skirt, not a combination of both.

Sal: High waist shorts? Seriously? You mean denim granny panties?… Seriously, grow up.

The Hot pants look – A haiku:

When the sun is out

Hot wet summer is now here

Hot pants are the deal

Jeff: Love it, if you got the body, and legs for it. I don’t need any more cottage cheese then what I have for breakfast.

The vintage look is hot, if fitted right and accessorized properly, and not like a homely matron from the 80s.

As for hot pants,  a giant yes, if you have legs for days, and the body to boot. Sexy, revealing, yet classic and chic.

What is your take on neon?

Bradley: I already answered this question.

Matt: I mean it’s natural to want to show plumage to attract the opposite sex in the wild, just don’t go out looking like a box of crayons, or 80s day glo… and DO NOT be surprised when people stare at you… Your look SCREAMS “look at me, look at me!!”

Sal: It seems to me that lots of women who wear neon don’t have the bodies to pull it off and the ones that do have the bodies for it don’t wear it.

From a safety standpoint it’s a two way street. You probably won’t get hit by a car, but if you get too close to open flame you’re definitely playing with fire… Pun intended and appropriate.

Jeff: Limited quantities only, and in the right place. Time and place for everything and too much makes you look like you are color blind…either that or I am going to go blind by looking at you!

What about the high bun?

Bradley: I couldn’t care less, although I’ve always had an affinity for long, dark hair. That said, if you happen to have such lovely locks, wear them down. Plus, it gives us something to tug on other than our own wieners.

Matt: If done right it’s sexy, very much like the old school pin-ups, or vintage style but if it’s pulled too tight it ends up looking horrible. Keep it messy, keep it classy. 

Sal: Some girls can pull off the high bun, it seems to always look pretty good on taller more slender women. It helps to elongate the features, producing a more defined, angular, and symmetrical face.

I personally like it because it shows you more of a woman’s face than other styles, really the most you could possibly see. If a woman is willing to do that it shows that she is confident in her appearance, and that’s always important.

Jeff: Cute, but don’t use as an excuse to not use proper hygiene, and actually bathe!

 It’s all about midriff. How do you feel about crop tops?

Bradley: Again, I’m somewhat ambivalent, however, if you have a flat stomach and small, perky boobs, these can be downright flattering as all hell. If you happen to be the proud owner of a set of massive fake tits, on the other hand, it’s damn near impossible to not appear as though you’re trying too hard to show them off in this attire.

Matt: Its San Diego and its HOT lately… Wear whatever is comfortable, and if you’ve been working hard on your fitness, be proud to show off your hard work!

Sal: Sexy, laid back, approachable. I like it.

Jeff: Hot!

This look is great only if styled correctly with cute hot pants, jacket or sheer top. Otherwise, leave it for models to wear.

Now it’s time to touch on predictable fall trends I am sure ALL ladies are guilty of toting at least once. First, fur…hot or hot?

Bradley: Fur? Native Americans wore fur to survive harsh winters. You don’t need it in San Diego or most other major metropolitan areas for that matter. If you must, make sure it’s fake; otherwise, I hope the soul of the helpless creature it belonged to haunts you for the rest of your life.

Matt: Listen, we all KNOW it’s fake… it looks like you cut open a stuffed animal and wrapped it around your shoulders. Or you’re trying to audition for the next season of Game of Thrones.

Sal: Not. I mean if you’re trying to stress your hypothalamus by all means wear fur in San Diego. With that said, I’m sure there are fur coats out there that don’t look too bad, but for the most part unless your name is Tatiana Gorbochov and you’re on Holiday from Saint Petersburg, leave the fur to the commie bastards.

Jeff: Yes as an accessory and not an excuse to look like you are from Russia.

How do you feel about a woman in red lipstick?

Bradley: Sexy as fuck. It harkens back to Monroe and Page; two women I adore and respect immensely. Plus, there’s just an inherent undeniable classiness associated with red lipstick. And ladies, classy is sexy. Write that down.

Matt: It depends. I feel like its easily overpowering and can make girls look like they are trying too hard. In my opinion it is a burlesque type look, and should be worn accordingly. If you are super pale white, avoid the look, you aren’t Dita Von Teese, after all.

Sal: I have one four-letter word for you. S-E-X-Y. SEXY!

Jeff: Sexy, sexy, sexy, and timeless! Always been a fan since the days of Marilyn Monroe. As long as you don’t overdue the rest of the make up, otherwise you go from Monroe to Bozo the Clown, and I Hate clowns!

Alright, one last question before we let you off the hook. Tights…When is it sexy? When is it trashy? When is it too much?

Bradley: Always sexy, never trashy and never too much. Not to mention, they can be worn with damn near anything and still look good. Save the cheaply-made fishnets for your whorish Halloween costume, however.

Matt: Tights are sexy when the pattern is unique but not outrageous. I have seen them look good under short, skirts, and under jeans, but I have also seen these looks go terribly wrong. Keep the pattern simple, and black, grey, or tan only. I really like them paired with boots, not so much in flats.

Tights are trashy when the tights are the “sexy” tights that are purchased from the Halloween stores, or from lingerie stores. I mean there’s a time and a place for them, and it’s NOT out on a given night on the town unless that night is October 31^st or a sultry evening with your man. Tights are too much when leggings are shiny, bright colored, or have too much pattern going on. No one needs diamond studded leggings. NO ONE.

Sal: Yoga pants are always sexy, there isn’t a man on the planet that would disagree with that. I’m just always assuming you either just went to yoga or have plans to go in the very near future. I’m thinking, “man, where the hell is there a yoga class at 2am on a Sunday? This chick is motivated!” then of course I think motivated means she takes good care of herself, she has goals and is passionate about something. Yeah, it’s a slippery slope when it comes to yoga pants… Yes, I know this question is about tights.

Jeff: Love it when the pattern draws attention and is not overly revealing. Keep the tears to a minimum; otherwise you look like you just got back from a porn shoot! Looks sexy with a great pair of boots, and somewhat revealing top (esp for side boob J)

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Well, there you have it ladies, straight un-biased opinions from the guys. If there is one take away from this Q&A I’d say get your ass out there and buy a sexy pair of boots for fall. Apparently every guy has a thing for them. Oh and one more thing, burn your floral pants, despite what you see at Fashion Week!